Just Give Me The Damn Ball!

keyshawn1 The “Unauthorized story” of star football player, author, fashion designer, ESPN analyst, interior designer, domestic abuser, jewelry designer, DWTS contestant and current Panera Bread franchisee, Keysean Johnson. Although Keysean is the author (with Shelley Smith) of this book about his rookie campaign with “the sorry-ass Jets,” it seems he never got around to authorizing it.

The book itself is actually quite a page turner. Self-absorption, bluster and capriciousness are taken to new heights in this (auto?) biography. That one could actually be this self-centered, is mind boggling and for that reason alone it’s a must read. The sports world teaches many noble life lessons, but it also showcases that if you have (or project) enough talent, you can run around demanding respect, yet giving and earning very little. No worries everyone will tow the line.

A note…we have not come here to bury Keysean, but to praise Keysean and the many Keyseans that came after him. Sure he stole things, sold drugs, scalped tickets and gambled, but that doesn’t make him a bad guy. It’s just life growing up poor in L.A. Keysean just wants to win, give back to the community and those who helped him, see USC clobber Notre Dame & UCLA annually and, of course, end racism.

Another striking thing about Keysean is that his opinions are pretty fluid. He seems to dig Frank Reich, most of the time, unless Frank’s being knocked senseless by the defense and can’t get Keysean the damn ball. He’s fond of Glenn Foley, because Foley likes to throw to him, but Foley is a no-hoper, but how can he be so hopeless when Keysean is open every single play? Wayne Chrebet? He sucks. Keysean admits you have to give Chrebet his props, but he sucks. Heck, Keysean even throws limited support 1-15 Rich Kotite’s way.

Some opinions however are firm. Three time Super Bowl Offensive Coordinator Ron Erhardt has got to go and Keysean means like yesterday. Terrible game planning. Why do you play with power football when you have a Keysean. He’s open every play…get him the damn ball!!! QB Neil O’Donnell? Too afraid to hurt his passing stats, so he dinks & dumps off short passes to his pet Chrebet so old Neil can keep getting $25M contracts. (Keysean likes to get paid too, but he may be onto something here.) 10th all-time NFL scorer and 5 x All Pro Nick Lowery misses a kick, he’s got to go. Keysean has no use for kickers who miss kicks. Legendary USC coach John Robinson is Da Man, on and off the field. He got that one right, and he is right about a few other things too, e.g., the Jets need to figure out a way to draft Tenessee Quarterback Peyton Manning, O.J. was a sellout to the black community, if a locker-room tolerates losing its all over.

The upper case “I” is used thousands of times in the 200 or so pages, but you’ll get used to it. Probably a $3 book on Thriftbooks and a 3-hour read. You decide. We’ll end it here with the way Keysean ends a lot of his stories…”I just laughed.”

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